It is only a little past 10:00 and I am not finished all assignments for tomorrow, but I'm going to bed. And I'm not getting up at 4:00 tomorrow morning to finish up the assignment like I would normally do. I just can't. Perhaps it was a mistake, but I watched the news while I was eating my oatmeal, walnuts, milk and apple this morning, and I have felt immensely sad all day about the Virginia Tech shootings.

I don't know why it's bothering me so much, but I could hardly concentrate all day. I keep imagining what it must have been like for the professors and students in the building, in class where all sorts of freedoms and securities are supposed to be in place on a multitude of levels. And then I feel sad about the shooter--is this dumb, but I can't believe he was an English major. Why? Because I always have this idea that people become English majors because they love reading, because literature takes them outside of their own viewpoint on the world, because their worlds expand through reading. In other words, aren't lovers of literature supposed to be people who are skillful at empathizing with others? But this was obviously not the case here. And where does that rage come from? How could he have possibly thought, yesterday morning, "this is my best option"? I don't understand.

I read some news stories online in which one of his Creative Writing professors discussed how he wrote disturbing stories and plays about... death. And it seems painfully ironic that I had just posted on here, jokingly, about that a couple weeks ago. Should I be paying closer attention to my students' writing? What if I miss something too?

And my biggest question out of all of this is: what kind of absurd country do we live in where it's perfectly acceptable and legal to buy firearms? Rifles for hunting--fine. But handguns? Glocks? WHAT FOR? I hate that line: "guns don't kill people--people kill people." It's not true. This is true: "People with guns kill people." I also hate the line that it's a Constitutional right to carry a gun. Because it says so in some document that's a couple of centuries old? Because to disagree with it would be (gasp) unpatriotic? Because that document is on the level of the Bible and we blindly accept all aspects of it? Because we're still fighting the Civil War? I just can't fathom what gun advocates fight for: if their wishes are carried to the ultimate end, they would have us live in a society where everyone walks around toting a gun. Great--isn't that the mark of a well-functioning, democratic society? One in which everyone is suspicious of everyone else, one in which you need a gun in order to feel semi-secure walking down the street. Yeah, that's my idea of "freedom."

I felt sad all day, and at one point I looked out the window at the daycare near our apartment. I saw a little boy kissing a little girl. Then some other little boys ran up to the pair and started pushing and shoving them. The little kissing boy ran away, and then the whole group began practising karate moves. It was simultaneously cute and ominous. It is hard to enjoy moments of innocence when it's been so brutally stripped away.

This is turning into a rant, and I apologize. I guess I've been upset all day, and I haven't known what to do about it. I guess I will go check on my bread that's baking. Sometimes, that's all you can do.